As hazily anticipated, this trip is prompting some contemplation about my future life. Previous long term holidays have resulted in decisions to complete my degree, and to return home to marry P, who by his absence revealed himself to be Mr Right.
At present my thoughts hinge around a possible return to the workforce. This was initially prompted by my financial fears as this trip is costing *way* more than I ever thought it would, and the only solution I could see was to return to Perth and get cracking earning some money. I raised this with P in the context of perhaps I should enrol to finish my MBA and look for some type of professional employment. To my surprise P was quite positive about this, as his own ponderings had led him to think that *he* might like a change, and some house husbandry is very appealing.
Since then, I’ve returned to thinking that maybe I should take a wild chance and instead study to be a yoga teacher. This woud be a far more scary option, as I don’t know if I could do it, plus it doesn’t come with the same financial security as the first option. Importantly, this also narrows P’s choices as he would then be required to have a steady income which was supplemented by me, rather than the other way around. And he has already diligently supported the family for six years.
In some ways it’s like a choice between two completely different lifestyles. To return to professional employment eases my financial fears, and also probably my ’educational fears’, in that it is much more likely that my kids will go to school (so I outsource the responsibility) as that would be the 9 – 5 type lifestyle that the family would have – as I don’t know how confident P would be to continue to be the parent responsible for home ed, as the kids got older.
The second choice means I am out of my comfort zone, doing something I haven’t done before and committing to a way of life that doesn’t offer me the same financial security or educational “options”. In particular, if I had a job that required me to work early mornings and/or evenings, I would be really unlikely to send my kids to school - as then I’d never see them!
Of course the other option is P’s preferred choice which is to go bush somewhere, and thereby release ourselves from the need to pay for shelter in the (expensive) Perth metro area. Sigh – we already tried to downsize once and that turned out to be a disaster.
P has no family in Perth (not that he seems to consider them a factor anyway) and feels confident that he can make friends in a new place. I wish I had that confidence. I know I can meet new people - but will they be soul mates?? I feel like a weirdo already… if I didn’t have some people around to make me realise that I’m not completely alone I would find life a lot harder…. and after almost 40 years, I’ve realised that soul mates are not easily found. You have to really cherish the ones you’ve got.
I’ve also been playing a mindgame with myself, whereby I “give” P the next five years and he sets the agenda and makes all the decisions for the family (testing my attachment to control, and opening myself to participating in an adventure not of my own making – as per previous post). You have no idea the anxiety this exercise produces in me! When I mentioned this to P, he thought this was funny – I’d either be pissed off that “nothing was happening” or pissed off that something *was* happening – that I didn’t want. Arrgghh – why do I have a life partner that can shoot so accurately?
In the meantime we muddle along. That reference to “40 years” does give me a sense of urgency though. T was worried the other day that he didn’t know what he was going to be when he grows up. I advised that I didn’t either – but at least he has time on his side.
Nicki said,
November 6, 2009 @ 1:01 pm
Jane I think deep down you really want the second option!! Especially when you use the words “wild chance…out of my comfort zone” and “doing something I haven’t done before”! Like you say…there is some sense of urgency about nearly reaching 40 so go the unknown I say….:)
Miss you by the way…am interested to hear more about your cycle syncing with the lunar cycle – I want to do that!
Nicki
xx
janelouise said,
November 8, 2009 @ 7:10 am
Hi Nicki
you’re right of course…. but given that I haven’t even been to a class for more than 6 months, and hardly have a chance to do any home practice, it does seem a bit of an ambit claim. I do feel some self-pressure to take the second option, so as not to disappoint myself (or others!) I recently went back to a blog I read occasionally from a woman into attachment parenting and simple living….. only to be confronted by the fact that she has recently become a real estate agent. Despite telling myself that she may well have faced any sort of external pressure to earn some money, or separated from her partner or anything….. it was still depressing to read her most recent post on how to best present your property for sale……. sigh.
But the main factor will be trying to do something that is fair to P, so he isn’t stuck in a place of “no choices”, because of my choices.
xxxxx
Mum said,
November 10, 2009 @ 3:13 am
Well the great thing is that you are not in a situation where this decision has to be made by the weekend. You have options.. Paul has options. As a family you have options.
Of course, that makes it harder. If there is no choice (eg Paul couldn’t get a job) then decision making is easier.
Things to think about:
a) What do you really enjoy doing?
b) Can this be turned into a job?
c) If so, will this take away my enjoyment of this pleasure– eg doing yoga is enjoyable– will teaching yoga be enjoyable? OR reading is enjoyable, but is teaching other to read enjoyable?
d) What is important to me in my life- eg helping others, time to contemplate, being fit, gardening, being mentally stimulated, being financially comfortable, spending time with family and friends…
e) What can I do that involves at least some of these important aspects?
We sometimes think of ‘milestones’ that are really not important -eg turning 40. What is more significant about 40 than 39 or 41? Many people have started new projects, careers, lifestyles etc in their 60’s. The average lifespan for a woman is about 84 (for me) — will be more for you.
The thing is to have a life where you wake up in the morning feeling cheerful, energetic, looking forward to the day.
How fortunate to be intelligent, healthy, young… with many wonderful years ahead.
Lisa said,
November 10, 2009 @ 6:43 am
Or you could do some ‘life-coaching’, like your mom…I’m inspired!!
dipi said,
November 12, 2009 @ 5:21 am
I met a young mum (with a toddler) a few weeks ago who was doing yoga for fun, and the owners just asked if she’d like to train as an instructor. Only took her I few months I think and now she’s teaching and loving it. Would be a good job to just do as many or few hours as you need/want I’d presume. You could always try to a year! Or stop off in a town for a year and try there.
janelouise said,
November 12, 2009 @ 11:07 pm
Hi dipi
my long term plan was always to do yoga teacher training once the kids were old enough for me to have the time to do this. Really, I just wanted to do this to deepen my own practice, with a vague thought that if it lead to teaching a few classes that would be good, but wasn’t my main goal. To do the training thinking “this has to earn money” is a completely different proposition…..a stressful one! I’m now (somewhat) over my financial panic, and am still thinking I could do this training for myself as I originally intended, and this doesn’t rule out a return to prof type work.
And yes I did cut off my hair!
xxx