I’m back – I think. Took me while to figure out how to get back in here. Prompted by my “bad” mother’s day, and googling “Mother’s Day Angst” and being unsatisfied with the offerings.
Mother’s Day is generally my worst day of the year. Expectations breed frustrations, and all that. My very first mother’s day, P went for his usual Sunday bike ride. He was baffled to return and face my fury that he had gone out - on MOTHERS DAY!!! Since then, he has been aware that this is not a day that he goes out doing his own stuff.
The real issue, is that in my mind, mother’s day is my “day off”. What a ludicrous expectation – mother’s don’t get days off. It would be easier if our family did gifts. They could buy me an expensive gift and that would be it.
Day started well – breakfast in bed. My novel reading was *fairly* interrupted by J, who couldn’t quite grasp why I was still in bed. Even as I was getting irritated by his lurking presence I was questioning myself – it’s “mother’s day” and I don’t want the kids around. More evidence for my internal courtroom: I am a “bad” mother - I am not always lovingly available.
Then I launched into action. We were going on a picnic with some of our extended family – a newish mother’s day tradition. I had thought about buying pre-prepared stuff to take on the picnic as our family’s offering, but I have become a miser and am determined to stick to a budget, so I had planned to make tarts, salad and banana bread. Started well – I can actually enjoy a good cooking session…… but with the deadline of the picnic looming and the kids wanting to “help” with all the cooking, I was starting to get harried. My kitchen was trashed and would need serious attention when we got home from the picnic.
The picnic was pleasant. On our return P said he would tidy the kitchen and I got to read my book for a while. As the afternoon got later, I thought I should check in with P that we were both on the same page…… namely that he was organising dinner. I checked in – no we weren’t on the same page, and when I looked, the kitchen was not to my standard of complete organisation….. oh and the vacuuming that P had said he would do was (I deduced) forgotten about. So I spat the dummy. Completely unhelpful and unreasonable, and now I have to apologise profusely, which no doubt will give P the chance to reiterate my (many) character flaws.
Which leaves my wondering….. why do I think that Mother’s Day should be a day when I don’t have to do any mothering? And it makes me realise so much of what I do – the work of mothering & household management – is all the planning and organisation that goes on in my head. What we will eat, when the food prep will need to start, when we need to get out the door, the moment in the week for vacuuming that fits our schedule – all this invisible stuff that I do automatically I don’t even realise I am doing it….. but when I perceive a chance to dump it……. that’s my idea of a holiday.
I realise having written this, that this is thematic for me right now - wanting a rest from holding responsibility for “organising”, “making things happen”. I wonder if I’m tired of being an adult.
Dipi said,
May 12, 2011 @ 12:30 pm
Jane, your writing put into words what I’m sure every mother must feel often. I have so often felt like this. Thank-you for sharing the common dilemma and internal struggle so succinctly.
My own revelation last week (though I had a wonderful mother’s day) was that it is all the fault of expectations. If we had no expectations, of people, or events, there would not be the frustration / disappointment.
I decided last week that mother’s day is a stupid idea. You are potentially forced to buy gifts or make gifts, write cards, see your own mother, mother-in-law, grandmothers, be visited by your own children and grandchildren, when really what many mother’s might just want is a rest.
I look at my own mother and the hectic day she had, meaning she didn’t get the nap she’d hoped for, and I really feel that she would have liked to see the various members of family, showing her they love her, spread out throughout the year. I know I would! I must remember to request that of my own children in 20 years.
I don’t enjoy birthdays for the same reason. Everyone wants to visit / phone ON YOUR BIRTHDAY and it is a chaotic day filled with expectations and gifts I don’t need and feel are a waste of money. But is this just being uncharitable and selfish?
janelouise said,
May 12, 2011 @ 1:11 pm
So true Di. On any other day, it would have been a “good” day….. it was my expectations of “mothers day” that ruined it – nothing else.
Jane Hamilton said,
October 13, 2011 @ 2:23 pm
I know we all work hard because we love our families, so when a commercially driven tradition lurks around, expectations and romantic notions are not far behind. We don’t readily realise how deeply the gentle brain washing we received whilst hearing about Mothers Day leading up to the fateful event has seeped into a normally quite rational head! I think that despite our intellecutal understanding of all that surrounds days like these, we still crave something… demonstrations of gratitude and a feeling of being cherished. These things do not come naturally to husbands and children. When challenged, there is no question that they love, appreciate and value you.. but sometimes its nice to be told, instead of having to ask for it. So start working on next mothers day now…. prime the man, tell him exactly what you want.. and he will do it, he just needs guidance. Actually, give him practice runs… lots of them… I have ‘mothers days’ quite often, whether I am at home, or out, Dad is on deck, and Mum is off-line for the day. It’s good for him, good for them and awesome for you. So with a little training, when Mothers Day comes around, everyone knows what to do.
janelouise said,
October 14, 2011 @ 12:33 am
I’m thinking of checking in to a day spa.
Actually, my latest plan to have a break from mothering and housework is…….. drum roll…….. to go to work. I love the irony…… but I think in fact this is the most common strategy women use. In the absence of any village support structures, they go to work to have a break. Like this is the only legitimate time off they can ask for – to go to work. And you can wrap it up in a mother-as-martyr argument – earning money for the family.
Hmmmmm – day spa…. work….. day spa….. work…. at what point did they start to symbolise the same thing?